Why Is Life So Unfair: The Guide to Making Sense of Regret and Finding Peace
Wondering why is life so unfair? You're asking a question most of us grapple with at some point. As a matter of fact, research shows that only 5–10% of our decision-making is rational, which means much of what feels unfair stems from factors beyond pure logic or fairness. Given that unfairness is both normal and unavoidable, the real challenge isn't eliminating these feelings but learning how to deal with unfairness constructively.
When life seems unfair, regret often follows closely behind. Understanding why we regret everything and when you regret something connects directly to how we perceive life is unfair. This guide explores the psychology behind perceived unfairness, offers practical ways to release regret, and helps you find peace with your past choices.
Why Life Feels So Unfair to Good People
The perception that life is unfair to good people stems less from external reality and more from how our brains process experiences. Before tackling how to deal with unfairness, we need to understand why life seems unfair in the first place.
Life is neither fair nor unfair - it simply is
Fairness isn't a natural state. It's an ideal we abstract from daily encounters with its absence. The universe operates without regard to our concept of justice or desert. Accordingly, expecting fairness sets us up for constant disappointment because remarkably little of the universe fits our concept of what should be fair. The challenge isn't that life treats good people worse, but that we bring expectations of cosmic equality to a world that doesn't operate on that principle.
We remember negative events more than positive ones
Our brains are wired with what researchers call negativity bias. Negative information is processed more thoroughly than positive information, requiring more thinking and cognitive resources. This isn't a flaw. From an evolutionary standpoint, remembering threats kept our ancestors alive. Bad emotions and bad feedback have more impact than good ones, and negative impressions form quicker and resist change more stubbornly.
The result shapes how we view our lives. We retain negative memories more durably than positive ones. When recalled, these memories are more accessible and vivid, giving them disproportionate influence over our current decisions and predictions for the future. Negative content follows a shallower forgetting curve than neutral content, meaning it sticks around longer in our memory stores.
The role of hindsight bias in perceiving unfairness
Hindsight bias magnifies feelings that life is unfair. After an event occurs, we believe we knew the outcome all along. This "I knew it all along" phenomenon warps our understanding of the past. We judge ourselves harshly for failing to prepare for situations we believe we should have seen coming. Research suggests hindsight bias can contribute to a negative schema of the past, where our knowledge base becomes composed of negative outcomes believed to be foreseeable and inevitable.
Comparing your struggles to others' highlight reels
Social media intensifies the feeling that life is unfair to us specifically. Among young adults aged 16-24, 89% engage in online comparisons with others, and 89% feel unsatisfied with their lives when making these comparisons. The problem lies in comparing our behind-the-scenes reality to everyone else's curated highlight reel. Social media shows the best moments and victories while hiding job losses, divorces, anxiety, and loneliness. We lack contextual details and difficult moments, so we fill gaps with inaccurate assumptions.
Why Do I Regret Everything: Understanding the Connection
Regret emerges when unfair outcomes make us question our past choices. Defined as a negative emotion predicated on counterfactual inference, regret feels bad because it implies fault in personal action. Self-blame becomes the natural companion of regret.
How unfair experiences trigger regret
When we achieve bad outcomes, we feel incompetent even if our decisions were sound at the time. This outcome bias leads us to judge decisions mainly based on results rather than the quality of the decision-making process itself. A doctor may feel regret for ordering tests that proved unnecessary, even though ordering them was appropriate given the information available. Specifically, we reward luck instead of proper reasoning, which hinders learning over time.
The trap of 'should have known better' thinking
Should statements represent cognitive distortions that don't match reality. When we tell ourselves "I should have known better" or "I should have seen that coming," we're engaging in self-abuse pointed at a past that can't be changed. These statements cause feelings of shame, stress, and inadequacy. Rather than motivating us, they leave us feeling apathetic and trapped in rigid, all-or-nothing thinking.
Judging past decisions with present knowledge
Holding our past selves to present standards is deeply unfair. We operate with completely different knowledge, experiences, and emotional maturity at different life stages. Hindsight bias causes us to believe outcomes were foreseeable when they weren't. Regret often represents evidence of growth rather than poor decision-making.
When regret becomes a pattern of self-blame
When regret turns into fruitless rumination, it damages mind and body. This repetitive, negative, self-focused thinking pattern characterizes depression and may cause it. Research shows 41 out of 80 participants couldn't forgive themselves after perceived failures, stuck in a past-as-present mindset where they emotionally relived mistakes repeatedly.
How to Deal with Unfairness and Let Go of Regret
Learning how to deal with unfairness requires shifting from passive suffering to active response. These strategies help release regret and find peace with our choices.
Separate what you can control from what you cannot
The Stoics identified what lies within our power versus what doesn't. We control our thoughts, emotions, interpretations, reactions, and actions. Everything else sits outside our control: other people's actions, opinions, the weather, random events, and the past. Focusing on what we can control reduces anxiety and stress while increasing resilience. Individuals who focus on the circle of control are more likely to be resilient in the face of stress and adversity.
Stop living in the 'negative lottery' mindset
When we consider not playing a gamble and later learn we would have won, we feel more distressed than expected. Counterfactual thoughts about possibilities evoke stronger emotions than anticipated. This mindset keeps us trapped in what-ifs instead of present reality.
Turn regret into information rather than punishment
Regret is a powerful teacher. Women who take action based on their regrets score higher on physical and psychological measures of well-being later in life. The key is acknowledging what we wish we'd done differently without fixating on it, using it as motivation to make changes.
Practice self-compassion for past choices
Self-compassion means being kind and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate. Research shows self-compassion reduces self-focus, increases perspective-taking, and helps us feel connected to others when we struggle. Self-compassionate people are more likely to take personal responsibility for their misdeeds and try to repair situations.
Accept that every path has trade-offs
Every choice has a cost. When we choose one thing, we say no to something else. Freedom lies in the willingness to pay that price. Essentially, consequences aren't punishment but simply part of reality.
Finding Peace When Life Seems Unfair
Peace with unfairness requires moving from understanding to embodiment. These shifts transform how we experience difficult circumstances.
Focus on the present instead of dwelling on the past
Redirecting attention to the present moment reduces stress and anxiety. When we stay focused on what's happening right now, we give less power to anxious thoughts about the future or regrets about the past. Mindfulness practices train our minds to anchor in the present through breath awareness, sensory engagement, and active listening. The present is the only time that truly exists. Memories can be tainted with falsehoods, and the future exists only in our imagination.
Use unfairness as an opportunity to build resilience
Resilience isn't a fixed trait but a dynamic process we can cultivate. Building resilience helps us tolerate feelings of stress, anxiety, and sadness that accompany adversity while finding ways to rebound from setbacks. Post-traumatic growth represents positive psychological change some individuals experience after crisis or traumatic events. Adversity can yield changes in understanding ourselves, others, and the world.
Reframe our story from victim to survivor
Survivors take ownership of their actions and believe they control their destiny. In contrast, victims feel powerless, believing outside forces determine how their lives unfold. Survivors are action-oriented and forward-thinking, actively seeking solutions rather than complaints. This shift from external to internal locus of control reclaims personal power.
Choose constructive action over rumination
Rumination is circular and unproductive, while constructive thinking moves us toward outcomes. Reflective rumination involves mentally rehearsing specific steps toward goals. Brooding rumination means passively dwelling on negativity. When thoughts fuel action and progress, continue. When they create loops without resolution, redirect attention through movement or absorbing activities.
Conclusion
Life's unfairness isn't something we eliminate but rather something we learn to navigate with wisdom. Regret loses its power when we transform it from punishment into information. Without a doubt, the strategies outlined here require practice and patience, but they offer a path from dwelling on what went wrong to building what comes next.
Our past decisions made sense with the knowledge we had then. From now on, we can choose constructive action over rumination, self-compassion over self-blame, and resilience over victimhood. Peace comes not from a fair world, but from how we respond to an imperfect one.
Key Takeaways
Life's perceived unfairness often stems from our brain's negativity bias and unrealistic expectations rather than actual cosmic injustice. Here are the essential insights for finding peace with regret and unfairness:
• Life isn't fair or unfair—it simply is. Expecting cosmic justice sets you up for disappointment since the universe doesn't operate on fairness principles.
• Your brain remembers negative events more vividly than positive ones. This evolutionary wiring makes life seem more unfair than it actually is by amplifying bad memories.
• Stop judging past decisions with present knowledge. You made choices with the information available then—holding your past self to current standards is deeply unfair.
• Focus on what you can control: your thoughts, reactions, and actions. Everything else—other people, random events, the past—lies outside your influence.
• Transform regret from punishment into information. Use past mistakes as teachers for better future decisions rather than weapons for self-attack.
• Practice self-compassion over self-blame. Research shows self-compassionate people are more resilient and better at taking responsibility without destructive rumination.
The path to peace isn't eliminating life's unfairness but learning to respond constructively. When you shift from victim to survivor mindset and choose present-focused action over past-dwelling rumination, you reclaim your power to build a meaningful life despite imperfect circumstances.
We are here for you
Sometimes, even though we may know logically how to move past unfairness or regret, we can still feel stuck in it emotionally. Perhaps then, a deeper processing and acknowledgement of your pain might be necessary. When you are ready to seek help, we are here to support you. Speak to our counsellors for a free 15 minute consultation or email us at info@restingtree.ca to see how we can connect with you.
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