Understanding Anger and How to Deal with it
Contrary to popular belief – anger is an important and valuable emotion that we should all take the time and consideration to learn about. Anger can be a good sign if it is expressed in a healthy way. And in that way we can help ourselves cope with it and, over time, overcome it using some self-management strategies or seek out help from an outside source.
What is anger?
A difficult term to define, and an even more difficult emotion to process – anger is a primal force protecting and telling us that something is not right, and action needs to be taken. For example, anger in response to grief is completely understandable. And in response to social or political injustice is completely healthy and as well, in some cases, beneficial - as it would give us as an individual or group the push needed for justice or change. So, if we can view our anger as a message being sent to us, we can then learn and adapt our responses accordingly, beginning to understand why it is we feel this way.
Why do we get angry?
As mentioned above, anger is part of our ancestral fight-or-flight system. And, when it is handled correctly, it can be a very positive thing. It is an indicator of red flags, letting us know that something is wrong and needs to be addressed. It can become a great self-motivator as certain levels of anxiety and stress definitely push us to perform at higher levels. Anger can help us stand up for ourselves and it can also trigger optimism and increase creativity by encouraging us to focus on our hopes. This doesn’t change the fact that it is one of the hardest emotions to control, but repressing the emotion is not the correct answer either.
The Difference Between Anger and Aggression
It is important to differentiate between anger and aggression as they are often confused with one another; anger is a feeling and aggression is a behaviour. While anger is an acceptable and unavoidable feeling like sadness or bliss, aggression is a decision. This could be a violent attempt to hurt a person or oneself, or even property damage, verbal insults or threats, etc. Individuals might use their anger to fuel their aggression, but just because someone is feeling angry does not give them to right to treat others poorly. Feeling anger can release endorphins which in turn provide a rush of energy that can help alleviate this in a way, but there are many different types of anger to think about.
The Different Types of Anger
There are many different categories of anger that we could list, but these are the most common and as such are the most easily identifiable for you or those around you:
1. Volatile Anger
This is an explosive type of anger that can happen when someone feels annoyed, causing them to explode either verbally or physically. It can also make it difficult for the individual to express and communicate their feelings.
2. Self-Abusive Anger
This anger tends to be associated with shame. People who are experiencing low self-esteem or self worth and might be getting upset with oneself for “not being good enough” might start to feel the anger build up inside of them. They may also push people around them away, straining existing relationships.
3. Passive-Aggressive Anger
Passive aggression is an avoidant form of anger expression. This happens when you start to suppress your feelings and avoiding all forms of conflict around you. This may project as comments like “Fine. Whatever. You just want everything to be perfect,” sarcasm, or the silent treatment.
4. Assertive Anger
Considered a constructive and healthy form of anger, assertive anger is used as a productive and healthy expression of frustration in order to make a positive change. For example you might start to express yourself with “I” statements “I feel angry…” or “I think…” are great ways to ease the conversation for both parties.
How to manage anger properly
It is important that we deal with anger appropriately, it’s ok to express our anger outwardly as long as we don’t let it get to far. Below you can find a few helpful tips and strategies to express your anger in a body friendly way so that you will reduce tension and can help build better relationships.
Pay attention to its signals
By identifying and paying attention to how your body feels when you are angry, it can help you make a pre-emptive strike against future angry outbursts.
Anger in your body can feel any and more of the following ways:
Knots in your stomach, clenching your muscles
Feeling clammy or overly flushed
Pacing or breathing faster
Headaches or “seeing red”
Trouble concentrating
Slow your mind
It is important to develop mental strategies in which to help deal with our emotions, especially when it comes to anger, a few strategies to slow your mind are:
Check in with yourself. Ask yourself if this anger is hurting or helping my situation. Remember anger problems are mostly how you handle and think about what has happened.
Count to ten. Slowly count to ten and focus in order to let your rational mind catch up again with your emotional heart.
Practice deep-breathing exercises, imagine a relaxing scene of your preference.
Find a calming phrase and repeat it, or try to listen to some music or podcasts.
More tips to deal with Anger
Once you are calm, express your anger. Let the other person know just how intense the emotions you are experiencing are. By apologizing in advance you keep the other from getting defensive.
Slow the situation down and give yourself a moment of pause. Remember timeouts aren’t just for kids.
Get moving. Moderate exercise is a great way to release tension and endorphins. If you have anger you want to transform, go workout.
Start and anger diary. Actively doing something with your anger rather than just letting it stew will not only release negative emotions but reduce physical pain.
If you have tried the above and still find that you are having trouble adjusting your anger within, it might be beneficial to seek out the help of a mental health professional. Therapy, either in a group or individually, can become a great way to learn how to explore the reasons behind your anger and just what triggers it
When to know when to ask for help
Learning to control your anger is very challenging at times. The goal with controlling your anger is not to let the emotion control or own you, and nor is it to repress it. What can help is talking to someone you trust – seeking an alternative perspective to our situations can help us deal with our emotions. If you find that you are wanting to vent more and more to those around you, it may be a good idea to seek out a therapist you feel connected with. This way you can schedule in a few appointments and begin to look at your emotions from an external and positive point of view.
When looked at constructively, anger can help motivate us and can lead to further self change. It has the possibility to lead to positive outcomes, as well as constructive solutions. It’s important to deal with our own anger in a personal and positive way. Anger is a normal and even healthy emotion, but an emotion nonetheless, our emotions sometimes need external guidance to help cope. But, in order for us to understand and appreciate the good in life, we must experience the not so good.
Do you find that you feel like you or someone you know is having trouble controlling their anger? Are you curious to learn more about your emotions and how anger effects your day-to-day life? Find out more by contacting us at info@restingtree.ca or book your free consultation today