Is it Guilt or Shame? How to tell the difference and work through it
Many of us tend to use the words “guilt” and “shame” interchangeably. Sometimes we might experience both feelings at the same time after we have felt as though we have done something wrong. However, they refer to different experiences because these feelings come from different understanding of ourselves and others. Understanding the differences between them can help us work through self judgments, self-criticism and low self-worth.
What is Guilt?
Guilt is defined through the dictionary as “a feeling of responsibility or remorse for something wrong we have done, whether real or perceived.” Psychologically speaking, it is a behaviour done that has hurt others, and it is a feeling that you have experienced when we act against our values. We can experience guilt as early as age 3-6, when we have developed enough cognitive reasoning ability to differentiate definitions of right and wrong, good or bad. When we break our standards of our own moral compass, we feel guilt, which then helps us to seek forgiveness and correct our mistakes. In order to work through guilt, we need to express regret, accept responsibility and make restitution by changing our behaviours and attitudes that created the hurt. We strive to repair our relationship with the person that was hurt by our actions.
Unhealthy Guilt
If you are feeling guilt about every little thing, perhaps it might be good to ask yourself if you have unrealistically high standards. This is when we are expecting ourselves to be perfect in every situation. For example, you may have accidentally forgotten your new co-worker’s name and feel terrible about it. As a result, you keep replaying the same scenario in your head, wishing you had remembered their name and beating yourself up for it. Unhealthy guilt keeps us in this negative loop of needing to be “good enough”/right/perfect. Even if we try to apologise or make amends, we still feel just as bad because we keep punishing ourselves for not meeting those high standards. To deal with unhealthy guilt, we need to differentiate it from healthy guilt and work to resolve the hurt that we might have caused. When unhealthy guilt remains, we practice self-compassion, learning to accept ourselves for our own strengths and limitations.
What is Shame?
Shame is a powerful and intense feeling that arises from how we perceive ourselves, and how we appear to others. It does not necessarily depend on us having done anything. We feel as though our entire self is wrong or bad. Instead of “I did something bad,” we tell ourselves that “I am bad”. Feeling shame offers no way to return to feeling better about yourself because you believe that something is wrong with you, and that you are the problem. Intense feelings of shame can cause low self-esteem and can result in you feeling hypersensitive to people’s opinions because it feels like criticism or rejection. Inside, there may be feelings of self-loathing and a deep sense of worthlessness. Shame causes us fear of being unaccepted. Because of how we are afraid of how others may perceive us, we may isolate ourselves and avoid connecting with others. Shame can be so overwhelming that it also takes over feeling for anyone else. As such, when we feel shame, we may lack empathy and not show concern to others. Shame may also cause us to envy others, thinking that they are lucky (to be so self-confident), so it justifies our hurtful behaviours towards them. Shame can therefore lead to depression and other chronic mental health issues.
Dealing with Unhealthy Guilt and Shame
First of all, it is important to differentiate these three conditions, Healthy Guilt, Unhealthy Guilt and Shame. Healthy guilt leads us to a positive outcome because we are able to learn from our mistakes and restore relationships with others. As for unhealthy guilt and shame, we would struggle with negative self-judgements, fear of rejection, and social isolation.
Here are some tips on how you can learn to work with unhealthy guilt and shame:
Identify unhealthy guilt and shame from what you’re going through by noticing your self-talk. Does it sound like you are punishing yourself? Are you having unrealistically high self-expectations?
Notice your negative bias. Are you focussing too much on your weaknesses and mistakes?
Practice self-compassion: Experiencing imperfections and life difficulties is part of being human.
Practice mindfulness: Notice your self-critical thoughts come and go without being attached to them. Thoughts are not facts. They do not define who you are.
Connect with a trusted friend. Share with them how you feel and get some support
Trauma is often related to these feelings. If you have experienced abuse, you can easily internalised unhealthy and false beliefs about yourself. Seek a therapist to support you as you heal from your past wounds.
Guilt and shame are often overlapping, complex, and difficult feelings that can overwhelm and create deeper problems in the long run. If you feel like you have been struggling with these emotions for a while now, we encourage you to seek professional help. At Resting Tree Counselling, we are here for you. When you are ready to take the first step, book your free consultation or email us at info@restingtree.ca to find out more.